SG Vol. 1 pt. 43

I don’t know if I should give Chomper a new name or not. Maybe a new name might help him get over what happened, plus he’s still a puppy so it wouldn’t matter much if his name changed now, but Chomper is already a perfect name for a dog. I guess I should respect his previous owners’ wishes and let him keep this name. I’m just not sure how Naomi is going to feel about the name. Yeah, I’ll let her decide.

Maybe she’ll name him Fluffles or something.

Nah. She’s too nice to name him something like that. Chomper is way better than Fluffles.

Before I can go inside with Chomper, I need to have a talk with him.

“Listen up,” I tell him. “Do not scratch Naomi. Do not bite Naomi. Do not growl at Naomi. Do not bark at Naomi. Do not ever hurt her or annoy her in any way. Do not pee on any of her belongings or in her room. All you are allowed to do with her is playing with and protecting her. Do I make myself clear, Chomper? You’re going to the pound if you ever hurt her.”

Chomper tilts his head.

Close enough.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

So, with Chomper held in one arm, I open the door to my house and step inside.

Mom and Naomi are sitting together on the couch watching the television together when I walk inside. Well, Naomi is only listening, but it’s that popular musical cartoon so she’s got plenty to listen to.

As for Mom, her eyes widen when she sees what I’m holding but doesn’t say anything. Surprising Naomi with the puppy would be more fun than saying anything and she knows that.

“Papa! How was school?” Naomi asks, looking in my direction.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” I ask her back.

“That’s not an answer!”

“It was good. My ca—students did a pretty good job of impressing me earlier.”

“Woah, they impressed you?”

“You make it sound like that’s impossible.”

“It is!”

“Says the girl who impresses me every single day of her life.”

“Ehehe.”

I shut the door and look around to make sure that there’s not anything weird that Chomper might get into anywhere on the floor. It looks clear, so I think we’ll be fine.

“Hey, Naomi, can you sit down on the floor for me?”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“You’re being suspicious, papa.”

Of course, she gets off the couch anyways to sit down on the floor regardless of how suspicious I’m being or not.

“Trust me,” I tell her.

“I always do!”

Before I let Chomper down, I hold him up in front of my face to stare at him and remind him about what I told him outside.

He leans forward and licks my nose.

Close enough.

With that, I set him down on the floor aimed toward Naomi.

“Papa?” Naomi asks.

“Just wait.”

She’s the one tilting her head a bit now.

As for Chomper, he looks at her, sniffs around a little bit, looks up at the television, looks at Mom whom waves at him, and then finally sets his eyes on Naomi.

With wobbly steps, Chomper walks up to Naomi, sits down, scratches himself, takes another couple of steps toward her, and sniffs her without getting too close.

“What’s that?” Naomi asks after hearing Chomper sniff.

“Who knows?” I reply.

“I know you know, papa.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Lying is bad, papa.”

“I’m not lying, I’m just playing dumb.”

“So it’s okay if I play dumb about going to sleep?”

“No, but I’ll let you use that against me once since I’m using it against you right now.”

Naomi smiles and reaches her hands forward toward where she hears the sniffing. Then she immediately pulls her hands back after their tips graze against Chomper’s fluffy fur.

“What was that?” she asks.

Chomper licks her leg, causing her to jump and look in my direction.

“It’s alright. I promise,” I tell her.

She looked worried for a second there, but now she’s relaxed and looking down toward her legs.

She almost smacked her knee into Chomper when he surprised her, but he’s fine. And now, he’s licking her leg again.

Naomi lets him lick her for a few seconds before her entire expression changes. Her confusion turns into utter joy and excitement as she looks up at me with bright eyes and a wide smile.

“Is it a puppy?!” she shouts. “Is it? Is it?!”

“You’re going to scare him.”

“He is!”

Naomi clumsily reaches down to feel around for the pup before managing to grab him, pick him up, and bring him to her face so that she can hug him against her and kiss his side.

“Lance… are you sure?” Mom asks while Naomi is distracted. She’s smiling at the sight of Naomi with Chomper, but I know that she’s concerned for a reason. Nothing is ever as simple as I would prefer it to be.

“It’ll be fine,” I tell Mom.

“Papa!” Naomi shouts. “Does he have a name?”

“Hey, be careful. Dogs have sensitive hearing.”

“Oh. Sorry,” she whispers to him.

“And do you want to name him?”

“I want to know if he already has one.”

“Yeah. He’s named Chomper, but if you want to pick a different name for him, we can—”

“Nuh-uh, I like Chomper. It’s cute and I was going to name him Biter, but Chomper is cuter.”

“Biter? Why were you going to name him that?”

“Because that’s what you named your dog in that game you played, remember?”

“That was years ago. You still remember that?”

“Yeah. I remember you telling me dogs need cool, scary names to scare people away to protect their families.”

“That does sound like something I’d say.”

“You don’t even remember?”

“I’m old. Give me a break.”

“You’re not even thirty, papa.”

“I’m still an old man compared to you. What else do you remember me telling you?” I hope she doesn’t remember anything weird or stupid.

“I remember you telling me that bourbon is the best drink and that beer and wine are for boys who can’t even handle water, and that real men spoke pipes or maybe cigars, umm, that if anybody ever starts a fight then you should beat them up until they can’t even try to fight you again, what else, umm… ummmm—”

Every single memory of Naomi causes Mom to narrow her eyes more and more at me.

I… thought that I was watching my mouth around Naomi, but I guess that has only ever applied to swearing. I should probably start watching what ideas I say around Naomi, too. Heck, I can’t even remember saying any of those nor can I remember why I would have said any of those while she was around. The only reason I can think of maybe having those conversations around Naomi would be if Zane was around at the time…

“Oh, and I remember you said to bite if I ever get into a fight since that would be easy even if I can’t see as long as I can grab them,” Naomi finishes her memories with a proud smile.

Alright. So, that one was definitely directed to her, and I can actually remember telling her to do that. I mean, if she can’t see, the least she can do in a fight is swing around until she can grab onto somebody and then start biting. I’ll just have to hope that she never grabs onto the wrong person by mistake. If she does… well, it’s not her fault that she’s blind.

“Forget everything except that last part,” I order her.

“Nope. I’ll always remember what you tell me.”

“Not everything is worth remembering.”

“Anything you say is worth remembering.”

How did such a perfect, precious daughter come from Kate? It’s as if every single chemical responsible for Kate not being a total bitch evacuated from her during labor and went into Naomi, giving Naomi twice the amount of perfection and nice chemicals than normal.

That theory has actually got some proof to it seeing as how Kate didn’t become a bitch until halfway through her pregnancy.

That theory… makes too much sense.

It doesn’t work that way, right? I know I’ve never paid too much attention to biology and all of that, but… no, that’s too stupid. That can’t be what actually happened. Biology and childbirth don’t work that way.

Right?

I should ask somebody if that’s possible. I can’t ask Mom nor Tabitha since I know they’ll just laugh at me and give me crap if I’m wrong, but – I could ask Clover. She should know this sort of thing since she’s a nurse, and I don’t think that she would laugh at me if I end up being wrong.

No, wait. There’s no way I’m seriously considering that being a possibility. It just – it doesn’t work that way… but I can’t be sure it doesn’t. Yeah, this is the kind of question to ask sometime when I’m drunk and alone with Clover if that ever happens. Then, if I still think it’s worth asking while drunk, I’ll be able to use being drunk as an excuse for asking that.

I really should have paid more attention during biology.

Naomi told Valkyrie that I was really good at teaching her everything except for math back when I was in the hospital, but I’m starting to think I might be a bit dumber than I’ve realized.

“Lance, are you thinking something weird?” Mom asks.

“Kind of. Anyways, Naomi, are you going to help me take care of Chomper?” I ask.

“Yeah,” she answers, still whispering while cuddling him against her face. “Can I? I really want to.”

The little guy seems to really be enjoying Naomi which is good. He seemed nervous at first, but now he’s letting her do whatever she wants to him and he’s happy to lick her whenever his tongue can actually reach her.

“Yeah, you can help me,” I answer. “You can hold his leash when we go on walks, sleep with him, and feed him. Alright?”

I figure that as long as I buy a big enough bag of food and set it on the floor where Naomi will be able to reach easily, she should be able to scoop a bowl into that. Now, I just need to actually get all of those things. I’m going to have to go the store to buy a couple of bowls for his food and water, a large sack of dog food, a new collar and leash, and I should get his tags updated with our address and my phone number. I think that’s everything you have to do when you get a new dog. Wait, isn’t there also something about getting registered? Dogs are supposed to get registered or something like that, I think, but where do I even do that at?

I wonder if I could ask Clover that, too.

Wait, since when did Clover become my go-to for asking questions? I guess it makes sense. She’s nice enough that she wouldn’t laugh at me for asking anything stupid and she’s a nurse, so she has to be smart. Only the smartest people get into that sort of career. I think. Then again, she was pretty awkward those few times I’ve been around her.

Ah, whatever. It’s either ask somebody who’s going to potentially laugh at me or ask Clover. It’s not that I care about being laughed at or anything, but it’s annoying and I’d rather not be tempted to punch them for doing that.

“Papa, what about… mom?” Naomi asks.

I hate how good of a question that is.

“I’ll deal with her. Don’t worry,” I answer.

I don’t know how exactly I’m going to deal with her, but I’ll deal with her in one way or another.

“What if Chomper makes her mad?” Naomi asks.

“She’s always mad.”

That answer gets a giggle out of both her and Mom.

“Chomper has permission to bite her in case she does anything,” I explain.

“Lance, that’s a quick way to get him sent away. You shouldn’t encourage him to bite,” Mom says.

She’s not wrong, but, “Zane still owes me some favors.”

“You can’t depend on him forever.”

“I can as long as I’m useful to him.”

“Do you plan on being ‘useful’ to him until you are my age?”

“Hel—heck no.”

“Then you should stop relying on him before you are forced to so that you can get used to it.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be fine. For now, I’m going to continue using up the favors that he owes me until I’m all out of them. There was no point in getting them in the first place if I’m not going to use them.”

“Naomi, dear, please do not inherit your father’s stubbornness.”

“But I wanna be like papa,” Naomi answers as perfectly as ever.

“Lance, please imagine Naomi with your stubborn spirit as soon as she gets interested in boys,” Mom says.

“Naomi,” I say, “don’t inherit my stubbornness. You’re not allowed to be stubborn.”

She sticks her tongue out at me, already showing me her inherited stubbornness.

This is not good.

Anyways, I need to go out and—

Going by the door I just heard shut outside… Kate is home.

I give Mom a look which prompts her to go and help Naomi up with Chomper. “Let’s go play with Chomper in your room, alright?” Mom tells Naomi.

Naomi nods while hugging Chomper close to her.

Ah, damn it. I guess this is around when her shift usually ends on this day of the week.

I better sit down and get comfortable for this.

Just as I’m sitting down, the front door opens and in comes Kate with a bit more makeup on than usual for what a cashier needs.

I’m just going to get right to the fucking point.

“Hey,” Kate says.

“I gave Naomi a dog,” I tell her.

Kate drops her purse, shuts the door, and glares at me.

“Say that again,” she says.

“Found a dog. Brought him home and gave him to Naomi. His name is Chomper.”

I can tell from her expression that she’s about to explode.

Yeah, it’s better to just get this over with while the rest of them are in Naomi’s room rather than deal with it unexpectedly. I’m pretty sure that, even if I tried to smoothly work toward the topic of the dog, that it wouldn’t make anything better. Then she’d just be pissed off at me and accuse me of trying to mentally manipulate her by being nice before giving her the news. Then she’d start talking to everybody about how I’m so mentally abusive. Again.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Lance?” Kate asks.

“Nope. Got a dog.”

“Is this a fucking joke to you? You got a dog?! Who the fuck is going to take care of it?”

“I am. Mom and Naomi will help out, too. You don’t need to do anything other than sleep, work, and go out like always. You can ignore the dog as much as you want.”

“How the fuck am I going to ignore a fucking dog, Lance?”

“We’ll keep him in Naomi’s room whenever we’re not taking him out.”

“That doesn’t fucking matter! You know I’m allergic!”

Whoops. I forgot.

“God, you are – you are so fucking unbelievable! I told you no years ago and the answer would still be no, so you went behind my back?!”

“Yeah, basically.”

I know better than to try and explain the situation. She’ll just spin it around on me or tell me that I should have left the dog by himself or should have taken him to the pound.

She balls her hands into fists before sighing and forcing herself to relax.

“If I see one fucking hair from it anywhere, I’m taking him to the pound. If I see or smell piss or shit anywhere, I’m taking him to the pound. If he barks while I’m home, I’m taking him to the pound. If I ever get asked to do anything for him, I’m taking him to the pound. Do you understand?”

“I already planned on keeping him away from you as much as possible, so that sounds good to me.”

She sighs, brushes her hair off of her forehead, and stomps right back out the way that she came from to leave after just a couple of minutes of being home.

Damn. If I knew that bringing a puppy home would get her to leave us the fuck alone this easily, I would have done this a long time ago.

That went way better than I thought it would.

Now, checking up on everybody in Naomi’s room, Naomi is lying on her bed while Chomper pounces around all around her head giving her licks and “attacking” her. Mom is watching them with a smile.

I think they’re all just happy that Kate didn’t outright say she was going to take the dog to the pound as soon as I leave for work. I half expected to hear that myself. So, even if she still did her usual bitchy thing and bitched, at least Chomper is safe for now. I think.

Kate might be a bitch, but she’s an honest one.

That just makes her even more annoying most of the time.