IM/DC Chapter 218

I just got done with one of my future wives and was making my way back to a set of food trucks to buy lunch. I was in a really good mood, things were just going so well for me for so long that I started whistling again. I used to whistle every single day until I was drafted then my higher-up disliked my whistling which made me mostly stop. Did it for a short time again after I got out then quit again as I was focused on living and didn’t have the chance to be happy or sad.

That was just how it worked sometimes. If you’re just trying to survive you often aren’t as miserable as someone who has food on the table and a safe house to go back to. Your mind is so focused on staying alive that it doesn’t have time to be depressed or get mad at its situation. I was whistling the theme song for the Andy Griffith Show. It was the default song I whistled before I would realize I was whistling the same song for like thirty minutes and switched it up whistling the Mario or Zelda theme songs.

Song of Storms was one of my favorites to whistle but it was the Andy Griffith theme still for the moment. I was so happy I didn’t realize that a basic bitch beat cop was angry at my happiness. “Hey whistling dixy. Come over here for a second.” I turned to look at the old man as I was the only one whistling. I think about mentioning his out-of-date term but I was just whistling Andy Griffith so fair is fair.

“What you need chief?” I stopped whistling as he ran up to me, his posture oozing that he wanted to argue or fight. I think about just walking or even running from the guy but that was making a mountain out of a molehill. “What do you think you’re doing?” I think about his question before I decide to be cheeky. “I don’t know. I just follow wherever this behemoth between my legs goes why, what’s up?”

He looked at me again before asking. “You look familiar. Where do I know you from?” I think of where he could know me from. “I did a few ads, modeled a bit, I’m the richest person on the planet, advocate for metahumans, I’m also one of the newest members of the Justice League, and once again have a massive hog between my legs.”

His eyes lit up when I said I was a member of the Justice League and he spoke about his thoughts. “JJ mentioned you! You’re the crooked superhero who beats up innocent people.” I was taken aback by what he said. The old fuck managed to stun-lock me with his stupidity as I asked my robot wife what the fuck he was talking about and she beams the entire clip into my brain in less than a second.

I watch as JJ pulls up one of my fights and a supervillain slams into a building. I broke off to help the people who were on the verge of death and let the other heroes deal with the villain while I took the girls I saved off to do stuff JJ couldn’t show on air. He alluded to what I was probably doing but it was clear fear-mongering and how the fuck did that lead to me beating people up? JJ then went off on a tangent where he brings up Spiderman and says were practically the same and are most likely villains in disguise.

“Alright then. It was nice meeting you. I’ll be on my way.” I didn’t want to keep interacting with this jumped-up Steve Buscemi-lookalike, so I went to be on my way, but he stopped me again. “Where do you think you’re going?” I pointed over at the food trucks. “To get lunch, unless I’m being detained.” His hand hovered over his gun as he spoke with more surety than someone so dumb should have. “You’re damn right you’re being detained. How can our streets be safe with you heroes running around causing more damage than you stop, huh?”

I take a few deep breaths as I try not to explode this time-wasting dickhead. Killing him would be overkill, hell, even hurting him would only prove in his mind that JJ was right. My mind immediately went to what I could do to make him regret stopping me before he fired his gun at me. I was so shocked I didn’t even bother trying to stop it. I was well in my rights to put this fucker down and I had enough connections that I’d only get a slap on the wrist.

I wanted him to regret that mistake though. I ripped the gun and wallet from his pants as I stripped his clothes from him and made them disappear. Looking at his name I quickly have all his bank accounts drained as I leak all the hidden texts he has sent over the past two decades to his wife. There was no cheating but the gambling debt and shit-talking on his own wife to his friends would probably start fights. Leaving him completely naked on the street I teleport into Jay Jonah Jameson’s newsroom as he’s in the middle of one of his rants. 

He looks at me for a few seconds before he recognizes me and just as he does I close the last few steps so I can beat the shit out of him. While live on air his fans get to see me stomp the ever-loving shit out of this dumb fuck. I left him with two black eyes, a broken nose, and missing teeth. Surprisingly he is still awake and coherent as I pick him off the ground completely mad at the situation he put me in.

“A cop just fired a fucking bullet at me because of the shit you’re spewing. Got anything to say about that?” He stammers out an answer. “W-w-what he did was right! He clearly was in the right if you showed up and assaulted me while on live camera. There’s no way you’re going to be able to spend your way out of this.” I punched him in the gut knocking the wind out of him as I broke one of his arms and legs.

“I’m not Spiderman! I’m not going to put up with your bullshit! You lying about me wasted my time and ruined my good day. I hear my name come out of your mouth again your astronaut son gets teleported to the moon without a fucking spacesuit, you understand?

He spits up blood as I walk over to the camera glaring at the people watching this idiot. “You all should be ashamed of yourselves. Use your brains and think things through. If Spiderman was really as bad as this douchebag makes him out to be then why hasn’t he shown up and butchered everyone in this building? It’s because this fuck face over here is fear-mongering. That’s why I know he isn’t going to do shit except tell the police what I did to him and if he thinks a single penny is getting paid out I’d rather burn all my fucking money and start over before I let that happen.”

I teleport back to the same area the police officer was at as he was talking with another cop with his body covered up by a hoodie someone donated to him. He didn’t notice me as I kept walking until I started whistling again. More slowly than before I whistled the Andy Griffith theme as he turned and made eye contact with me.

The self-assured look was gone as his eyes widened in fear. He didn’t even tell the other cop that I was the one who stripped him of his police uniform and gun. I made my way over to the lunch trucks as I got a bit of everything and looked through my phone. I was going to head to space soon, but I wondered if there would be any backlash for beating a news reporter live on air before I do.