IM/DC Bonus Chapter 01

Deadpool’s Point of View

I can’t believe this person had a whole ass fanfic without including yours truly. Oh yea! Well, I’m going to have my own story, with blackjack and hookers. I’ll put maximum effort into some coochie! Now all I have to do is convince a bunch of hotties that before I became a walking ballsack that I looked like Ryan Reynolds. I used to have a one and only but things somehow didn’t work out.

I couldn’t even blame anything for how it happened. I held her too tightly and choked the love out of our relationship, I cared more about how I looked than she did I guess. I’d fix things between me and Copycat though, hence the plan to get the god of pretty boys to fix me up so I can woo my woman again. He was hard to pin down, all teleporters were but I finally knew a spot he’d be at for more than an hour and I was headed there.

Now we just had to play the waiting game until this chuckle fuck showed up! I waited across the gala in a cafe as I sipped expensive coffee with my pinky raised until he finally showed himself. I approached him as cautiously as I could, which was at a full sprint before he finally noticed me. His eyebrows raised as he recognized me. Good, that will make this next part easier!

I was at a distance, and I could finally enact my plan! As he prepared to do something I began to slide into place as I bowed to him. “Please, please, please. Teach me your ways, master! Take me as your disciple of love.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Oh no, I was trying to avoid him. How did Deadpool find me, now I’m going to get wrapped up in his shenanigans. Part of me just wanted to bail on this celebrity event but there were too many people waiting to talk to me to do so. I sucked my teeth as I thought of a way to get rid of him quickly. Healing him would be one way. As I laid my hands on him to cure his cancer… I couldn’t.

My eyebrows raised higher and higher as I tried more things to fix him and all failed. I could make a body from scratch, make the most precious and rare metal known to man, hell I was close to resurrecting the dead with my power but I still couldn’t cure Wade’s illness. It was ingrained in him completely. Even if I removed his brain and placed it in a new body the cancer would spread again.

So I couldn’t get rid of him by curing him. I sigh in exasperation. “Fine, just… I’m busy right now. Do you have a suit you can wear for this celebrity event?” He scratched his mask before answering. “I’m kind of flat broke and between jobs at the moment.” I read his surface thoughts and I’m surprised by how much he loses his train of thought. 

He first thought he should probably mention he was also homeless and owed millions to the mafia. Then he thought about looking for cardboard to make a suit before scrapping the idea. Then he thought about eating a big bowl of ice cream because him eating chimichangas all the time was becoming old hat before thinking about his girlfriend's tits. Then thinking about having sex with Copycat before I jumped out of his surface-level scan.

I stopped wasting my time and just tossed one of the suits I had stored in my item warehouse power. I just put it right over his suit so his mask still covered his face but he looked nice and cleaned up in an instant. “Esnaelc!” I cast a healing spell to wash the hobo smell from him before we made our way inside. “Alright, I’m going to go check out the buffet over there. Don’t mind me.”

It was like watching a car crash, I just couldn’t look away from him as he loaded up a hors d’oeuvres sandwich like the one Rodney Dangerfield made in the back-to-school movie as he messily ate it through his mask. Meatball chunks and marinara dripped onto his new tuxedo as he kept speaking with his mouthful. “Woah, they got champ-pagne here too?” He mispronounced champagne before grabbing the bottle from a waiter and chugging the whole thing.

More than half of the crowd watched in stunned silence as Wade moved from one social faux pas to the next. For a brief moment, I thought about slipping out the back as he was going to make his way back over to me and make a scene. I didn’t really care what most people thought of me but I was getting second-hand cringe from what he was doing.

I enjoyed Deadpool as a character but if he was a real person he’d only be tolerable in very small doses and I was at my limit. He’d be fine in a less formal setting as well but he was going out of his way to be gross and disgusting to these uppercrust elites. I turn to head towards the door before he finally yells across the gala. “Sensei, now that I’m full and got my extrovert meter filled back up we can get to your lessons on how I can woo the ladies.”

He took a notepad from nowhere as he made his way over to me and waited for me to tell him how to improve himself. “I… Don’t know what to say. I normally just show up and the women there just want to fuck me.” As I spoke I made it so only he could hear me and even if someone was filming they wouldn’t be able to read my lips. “Look at all the women here, almost every single one of them would rather be with me right now than with their date. I don’t really do anything but be pretty… So I guess just figure out a way to get pretty.”

He wrote while speaking out loud. “Be pretty, got it. What else?” I looked at him before stating again. “Like I said, I don’t do anything special. I’m just extremely good-looking.” He started to pace as he pulled a corncob pipe out of nowhere and began to ponder. “Hmm, mayhaps you don’t even know what makes women so attracted to you? How about I be your sidekick for a while until I figure it out? What do you think about that chief?”

“That sounds like an awful idea and I don’t need a sidekick.” He waved his hands around. “Woah, woah, woah. No one said anything about being your sidekick. I mean besides me who just said it but I meant partner. We could be like Starsky and Hutch or Bert and Earnie. We just need to figure out whose name goes first. Deadpool and Danny doesn’t sound that good, but neither does Danny and Deadpool… What about Deadpool and The Storm? Ultraman and Wade… Come on, we can figure this out.” 

I sigh. “Fine, you can follow me around for the rest of this chapter but then we’ll go our separate ways.” He cheered like he just accomplished something. “No, we should do an entire arc with just us two. A hundred chapters of Deadpool baby. No! A hundred and fifty chapters and a spinoff movie with a game tie-in. We can fill it with microtransactions and rake in the dough. Then we can make special plushy dolls of the two of us with magnets in our hands so it looks like we’re high-fiving. Are you writing any of this down?”